A new study published in a prominent medical journal has established the startling revelation that piñatas suffer.
Popular at both children’s parties and misappropriated Cinco de Mayo “fiestas” alike, piñatas are a party mainstay, their short lifespans concluding with ceremonial destruction. But according to the medical journal Animacy, it may be more appropriate to consider this “severe blunt force trauma”.
“It really wasn’t supposed to be a full-scale study,” said lead researcher Adam Keller, explaining that the project only started after a happy hour got a little out of hand. “But once we got going, we conducted dozens of live-fire experiments on piñatas of all shapes and forms – classic donkey piñatas, political effigies, even bachelorette party dick-shaped piñatas. And the results are the same every time. Piñatas feel pain.”
“But we enjoy our work,” he added. “We definitely conducted more trials than were necessary.”
A once innocuous tradition – a creature is battered with a stick, pole, or even beach umbrella until its complete structural destruction, at which point its insides spill to the ground and are ingested by ravenous, giggling children – is now being called into question. The study has prompted soul-searching in at least some lifetime piñata fans.
“How can I continue to participate in a hobby that perpetuates pain and suffering of defenseless creatures?” asked Jennifer Green, founder of the fan collective known as “Piñheads”. “What kind of industry breeds thousands of creatures whose sole purpose in life is to meet an excruciating death, all for the enjoyment of humans?”
But not all Piñheads were in agreement. An informal polling of self-described piñata-smashers revealed about a 50/50 split between remorse and unashamed pride in the annihilation of a creature with no means of escape or defense, but only the ability to feel pain.
“There’s nothing like the rush of slipping on that blindfold, winding up, and decapitating some poor sucker,” said Jeffrey Spektor”, a Piñhead who only joined the group after learning of the Animacy study. “My favorite technique is standing right under it and swinging from below. You can’t wind up as hard, so it usually takes a few swings. And it’s an awkward angle, so I miss sometimes too. But eventually, I’ll get in one good swing and watch it break open. And at that point, with cardboard bits and pieces flying across the yard, I enter a shower of candy, in the blood of my fallen foe, and I am truly at home.”
“Do you want to get in a swing or two? I guarantee you’ll love it,” he offered. “Even if the piñata doesn’t.”
