Don’t be too mad at the little sucker who ripped its way through your lady parts in order to join the living— a new study shows the creature may actually be worth the total destruction of your once lean and supple body.
The American Health and Reproduction Association says the benefits of babies may actually outweigh the drawbacks, such as the immediate excruciating pain caused by their arrival, as well as long-term effects on their hosts’ bodies. These perks include creating other humans that share the mother’s worldview, rising above personal character flaws by instead harping on those of a child and having total control over another living thing.
“Giving birth affects women differently both physically and psychologically, but medically speaking, it’s tremendously disgusting for everybody involved,” said AHRA President Dr. Robert Don Johnson. “Women are increasingly finding, however, that though giving birth irreparably warps their once young, firm bodies, being a mother can be worthwhile. Particularly when it comes to manipulating other living things through guilt and personal insecurities.”
The study finds that mothers who suffered from isolating personality quirks or private demons are able to work through these issues by instead identifying their child’s imperfections and constantly — either directly or passive aggressively— reminding the child of these shortcomings. Many mothers also benefit from regularly reminding the child that it — and it alone — is the reason the mother didn’t accomplish a whole host of dreams and goals. Taken together, these advantages can supersede the physical scars of childbirth, according to the study.
“Yes, doctors may have to stitch your vagina back up so that it is once again separate from your butt. Sure your boobs will sag dramatically. But then you hold your child, and your life completely changes,” said Jane Reggie, mother of four. “You realize that you can take this precious life and work out all of your own insecurities by obsessing over theirs.”
The study also found that new moms have acquired nearly superhuman abilities to indoctrinate their children. For at least the first 18 years of the child’s life, the mother has tremendous influence in shaping his or her political and social views. Mothers also greatly impact the child’s ability to interact with other children and adults.
“Sometimes I remember how I used to look in a bathing suit, and I kind of hate the little fucker,” new mom, Kasey Jones said, holding her son, Timmy. “But then I remember that I have the power to mold a young mind. He has to do everything I say for the next 18 years, probably even longer! So worth it.”
