Bah humbug! The world is in flames. Anything and everything that we loved and admired are tainted. Sports is politics! Your favorite actor is a sexual predator! The anti-bullying kid was actually racist! There is now exactly one thing still pure in the world, and that is the 1983 classic Waitresses song “Christmas Wrapping”.
One by one, everything we hold dear has been ruined. Polar bears? Yup they’re cute but I hope you feel guilty climate change is starving them all. In Christmas Wrapping canon, snow is still a guaranteed winter staple, not yet entirely almost eliminated by rising global temperatures.
Its simple plot is a timeless three-act tale of holiday redemption. So simple, yet so elegant. A lot better than how Justice League turned out. (Hoped DC could finally turn their cinematic universe around? Nope!)
Girl meets boy, girl gets sunburn, girl gets boy. This innocent courtship is such a welcoming departure from the predatory revelations we’re hearing in the political, entertainment, media, cultural, culinary, judicial, and hospitality fields. Guys, this year’s been crazy, but you don’t have to go that far, just forget the cranberries too!
And we’ll always have memories of The Waitresses buying the world’s smallest turkey at A&P! Remember when you used to shop at Whole Foods because it was a nice place to buy organic vegetables and you didn’t have to feel guilty about the chain being used as a beachhead for Amazon to corner the groceries market? Well that’s over!
Last year, the track actually entered the singles chart in the UK. In a resurgence of popularity, people actually paid money for this song. It’s actually an incredible deal, compared to, say, Battlefront II, where you pay money for the base game, and then you pay more money to stay competitive with other players, and then continue paying money indefinitely as new powerups are released. Wow, buying a product once is just so quaint!
Christmas Wrapping is as good as you remembered when you first listened to it as a child. It’s always been there for you, and more importantly, it has endured. Unlike Wet Seal, Gymboree, and Toys R Us. Yup, those retailers are all wiped out and any childhood memories associated with them are now just that: memories.
And so, as if someone was going down the list of everything you love, 2017 has corrupted everything from the inside out. Except Christmas Wrapping. We will always have Christmas Wrapping. Merry Christmas! But I think I’ll miss this one this year.
