By Dom Siravo
Following the Democratic Party’s new primary process of selecting a celebrity who made the best speech at an award show, Oprah Winfrey has secured her place as the Democratic candidate for 2020. But what will an Oprah presidency look like? Here is an insider (O magazine subscriber) look at the potential Oprah Cabinet:
Secretary of Health and Human Services – Dr. Oz
Dr. Mehmet Oz is expected to once again be Oprah’s first choice for medical expertise. As Obamacare is stripped away under Trump, and political pressure mounts from the left for single payer Healthcare, Dr. Oz is expected to deftly appeal to both sides of the aisle by promoting Ozcare, a mass-multilevel marketing scheme centered on selling Dr. Oz’s Magic Weight Loss Miracle Beans.
Secretary of Treasury – Suze Orman
A regular guest on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Orman is a financial adviser who has described herself as “the Money Lady”, a clear no-brainer for the Secretary of Treasury. As the public continues to lose trust with traditional financial institutions, Suze’s focus on individual thriftiness and “shifting your savings mindset” will be a refreshing take on the economy. Expect innovative policies such as a stimulus package consisting entirely of prepaid Kohl’s debit cards, banning the sale of cars made after 1994, and mandating prenups for all Americans.
U.S. Attorney General – Dr. Phil, Esq
Famed longtime psychologist who does not have a license to actually practice psychology, Dr. Phil is expected to be tapped for the role of the nation’s top attorney after he legally changes his name to Dr. Phil, Esq. Despite having no legal background, Dr. Phil will be seen as a bipartisan compromise as he utilizes the full strength of the Justice Department to wage his “War on Out Of Control Children”.
Chief of Staff – Gayle King
Oprah’s best friend for over 40 years, Gayle King is the undisputed front-runner for Oprah’s Chief of Staff. A multiple Emmy award winning news anchor, Gayle’s experience will prove useful in enthusiastically communicating the daily giveaways of oval office apparel and binders of policy whitepapers that Oprah has hidden under their desks. Additionally, Gayle’s unassailable loyalty makes her the perfect fit to rule over the highly rumored Oprah Winfrey Intelligence Network with an iron fist, crushing any opposition or those who threaten Oprah’s eternal existence by uttering “Harpo” three times while looking into a mirror.
No matter the actual cabinet selections, we can be sure that out of all the billionaires we get to choose from for President, Oprah is probably one of the nicest.
