For too long the beautiful game of tackle football has been marred by a progressive dumbing-down of the sport. Today if you hit too hard — 15 yards! Throw him out of the game! But kneel for the anthem — millions of dollars in endorsement deals!
Sounds awful, right? Well it’s perfect timing that the XFL is returning for a 2018 season!
“All your favorite parts of football are back!” former Las Vegas Outlaws running back He Hate Me said. “The bone-crunching tackles! The Human Coin Toss! The mandatory standing for the national anthem!”
Wow, take THAT, Roger Goodell!
Most exciting was what was announced for the national anthem. When it begins to play, a 50-foot American flag is slowly raised to the top of the stadium. As the star-spangled banner rises toward the sky, it pulls on the chains attached to every player’s wrists. When the line “and the home of the brave” is sung and the crescendo peaks, every player will be standing fully upright, their arms stretched upwards, as if embracing the faithful stars and stripes.
Got a tear in your eye yet? Just wait, there’s more!
The little known second, third, AND fourth verses of the Start Spangled Banner will be performed as well, raising the players to a height of 10, then 20, then finally 30 feet. With the American flag proudly raised at the top of the stadium, a mock-military jet will perform a flyover of the stadium, only to be shot down by a barrage of red, white, and blue fireworks. The players’ chains are released, and they fall to the field. Players still capable of walking will then struggle their way to the wreckage of the jet. In the cockpit, they’ll find a Redcoat holding a football. The team that first kills the Briton and gain possession of the ball can then choose to kick or receive.
What a rush! And the game clock hasn’t even started ticking yet! We can’t wait to see the greatness the second season of the XFL will bring. Game on!
