A new study published in the medical journal Infection suggests that hand sanitizers and anti-bacterial wipes that kill 99.9% of germs may actually be self-defeating, only serving to radicalize the surviving .1% into a murderous, vengeful state of virulence. “Seeing all of their pathogen brethren cut down really sends the survivors into a frenzy,” said Nancy Brinks, the lead researcher of the study, while noticeably wringing her hands together. “We always thought wiping them out was the key to staying healthy, but if you kill every virus, fungus, and bacterium in a germ’s entire extended family, what do you expect?” The study has already sent shockwaves through the hand sanitizer industry, leading Johnson & Johnson to unveil a new line called “Just Kills Half”.