Nation Horrified by Black Mirror Readily Welcomes Its Technologically Dystopian Future
“An implant that can replay memories, and I’m supposed to be putting it in my kids?” scoffed Netflix subscriber Cecilia Tuma, whose phone was at all times reporting her GPS position and physical proximity to other peoples’ phones, and potentially transmitting live audio and video feeds to unknown numbers of corporations, hackers, and government agencies.
“Christmas Wrapping” is the Last Remaining Pure Thing Because 2017 Has Tainted Everything Else
Sports is politics! Your favorite actor is a sexual predator! The anti-bullying kid was actually racist!
The Best Cyber Monday Deal is on a Dark Web Hitman That Comes and Shoots You in the Face
You really dodged a bullet on those exorbitant prices!
Baited into a Political Discussion at Thanksgiving Dinner? Respond with the Wi-Fi Password, Over and Over Until Everyone’s Staring at Their Phones in Silence!
If you get called a communist, fire back with “yeah I’m trapped in this capitalistic hellscape too, but I bet YUCKYRAT13 will get us some great Black Friday deals!”
Need a Last-Minute Costume? Be a Sexy Mummy and Trigger the Curse of Nefertiti, Unleashing Ten Billion Scarab Beetles Upon the Party!
Move over Sexy Graphic Designer and Sexy Octogenarian, there’s a new queen in town! And she’s got a 5,000-year-old plague in tow.
Here are the Rules for The Trump-Tillerson IQ Contest! Who’s The Wisest in the White House?
The blindfolded contestants will be presented with several plates of food, and it’s up to them to take a few bites and figure out what they’re eating.
Boo! Get Into the Halloween Spirit by Ghosting Everyone You Know!
There’s nothing spookier than having 32 unanswered texts that you just don’t have the energy to deal with right now!
The XFL is Back, Baby! The Hits are Harder and the Anthem-Standing Mandatory
When it begins to play, a 50-foot American flag is slowly raised to the top of the stadium. As the star-spangled banner rises toward the sky, it pulls on the chains attached to every player’s wrists.
Earn Free Surgeries by Hacking Your Hospital’s Rewards Program
If your son just stopped in for an asthma attack, you can roll his points into your account and you’ll be able to afford that skin graft! Don’t worry, he’s young and healthy! He doesn’t even go outside much anyway!
Study Shows Killing 99.9% of Germs Only Serves to Radicalize the Surviving .1% Into a Murderous, Vengeful State of Virulence
“Seeing all of their pathogen brethren cut down really sends the survivors into a frenzy.”
Piñatas Suffer
“We conducted dozens of live-fire experiments on piñatas of all shapes and forms – classic donkey piñatas, political effigies, even bachelorette party dick-shaped piñatas. And the results are the same every time. Piñatas feel pain.”
5 Excuses to Give When the Cashier Asks If You Want to Donate $1 to a Children’s Foundation
Of course we want to support children in need! Just not right now, okay?
Study Shows Babies May Actually Be Worth Destroying Women’s Bodies Forever
The creature may actually be worth the total destruction of your once lean and supple body.